Discovering your purpose

1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?

Ah, yes. The all-important question. What flavor of shit sandwich would you like to eat? Because here’s the sticky little truth about life that they don’t tell you at high school pep rallies:

Everything sucks, some of the time.

Now, that probably sounds incredibly pessimistic of me. And you may be thinking, “Hey Mr. Manson, turn that frown upside down.” But I actually think this is a liberating idea.

Everything involves sacrifice. Everything includes some sort of cost. Nothing is pleasurable or uplifting all of the time. So the question becomes: what struggle or sacrifice are you willing to tolerate? Ultimately, what determines our ability to stick with something we care about is our ability to handle the rough patches and ride out the inevitable rotten days.

If you want to be a brilliant tech entrepreneur, but you can’t handle failure, then you’re not going to make it far. If you want to be a professional artist, but you aren’t willing to see your work rejected hundreds, if not thousands of times, then you’re done before you start. If you want to be a hotshot court lawyer, but can’t stand the 80-hour workweeks, then I’ve got bad news for you.

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY?

When I was a child, I used to write stories. I used to sit in my room for hours by myself, writing away, about aliens, about superheroes, about great warriors, about my friends and family. Not because I wanted anyone to read it. Not because I wanted to impress my parents or teachers. But for the sheer joy of it.

And then, for some reason, I stopped. And I don’t remember why.

We all have a tendency to lose touch with what we loved as a child. Something about the social pressures of adolescence and professional pressures of young adulthood squeezes the passion out of us. We’re taught that the only reason to do something is if we’re somehow rewarded for it.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-20s that I rediscovered how much I loved writing. And it wasn’t until I started my business that I remembered how much I enjoyed building websites — something I did in my early teens, just for fun.

The funny thing though, is that if my 8-year-old self had asked my 20-year-old self, “Why don’t you write anymore?” and I replied, “Because I’m not good at it,” or “Because nobody would read what I write,” or “Because you can’t make money doing that,” not only would I have been completely wrong, but that 8-year-old boy version of myself would have probably started crying.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP?

We’ve all had that experience where we get so wrapped up in something that minutes turn into hours and hours turn into “Holy crap, I forgot to have dinner.”

Supposedly, in his prime, Isaac Newton’s mother had to regularly come in and remind him to eat because he would go entire days so absorbed in his work that he would forget.

I used to be like that with video games. This probably wasn’t a good thing. In fact, for many years it was kind of a problem. I would sit and play video games instead of doing more important things like studying for an exam, or showering regularly, or speaking to other humans face-to-face.

It wasn’t until I gave up the games that I realized my passion wasn’t for the games themselves (although I do love them). My passion is for improvement, being good at something and then trying to get better. The games themselves — the graphics, the stories — they were cool, but I can easily live without them. It’s the competition — with others, but especially with myself — that I thrive on.

And when I applied that obsessiveness for improvement and self-competition to an internet business and to my writing, well, things took off in a big way.

Maybe for you, it’s something else. Maybe it’s organizing things efficiently, or getting lost in a fantasy world, or teaching somebody something, or solving technical problems. Whatever it is, don’t just look at the activities that keep you up all night, but look at the cognitive principles behind those activities that enthrall you. Because they can easily be applied elsewhere.

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF?

Before you are able to be good at something and do something important, you must first suck at something and have no clue what you’re doing. That’s pretty obvious. And in order to suck at something and have no clue what you’re doing, you must embarrass yourself in some shape or form, often repeatedly. And most people try to avoid embarrassing themselves, namely because it sucks.

Ergo, due to the transitive property of awesomeness, if you avoid anything that could potentially embarrass you, then you will never end up doing something that feels important.

Yes, it seems that once again, it all comes back to vulnerability.

Right now, there’s something you want to do, something you think about doing, something you fantasize about doing, yet you don’t do it. You have your reasons, no doubt. And you repeat these reasons to yourself ad infinitum.

But what are those reasons? Because I can tell you right now that if those reasons are based on what others would think, then you’re screwing yourself over big time.

If your reasons are something like, “I can’t start a business because spending time with my kids is more important to me,” or “Playing Starcraft all day would probably interfere with my music, and music is more important to me,” then OK. Sounds good.

But if your reasons are, “My parents would hate it,” or “My friends would make fun of me,” or “If I failed, I’d look like an idiot,” then chances are, you’re actually avoiding something you truly care about because caring about that thing is what scares the shit out of you, not what mom thinks or what Timmy next door says.

Living a life avoiding embarrassment is akin to living a life with your head in the sand.

Great things are, by their very nature, unique and unconventional. Therefore, to achieve them, we must go against the herd mentality. And to do that is scary.

Embrace embarrassment. Feeling foolish is part of the path to achieving something important, something meaningful. The more a major life decision scares you, chances are the more you need to be doing it.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD?

In case you haven’t seen the news lately, the world has a few problems. And by “a few problems,” what I really mean is, “everything is fucked and we’re all going to die.”

I’ve harped on this before, and the research also bears it out, but to live a happy and healthy life, we must hold on to values that are greater than our own pleasure or satisfaction.¹

So pick a problem and start saving the world. There are plenty to choose from. Our screwed up education systems, economic development, domestic violence, mental health care, governmental corruption. Hell, I just saw an article this morning on sex trafficking in the US and it got me all riled up and wishing I could do something. It also ruined my breakfast.

Find a problem you care about and start solving it. Obviously, you’re not going to fix the world’s problems by yourself. But you can contribute and make a difference. And that feeling of making a difference is ultimately what’s most important for your own happiness and fulfillment.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Gee Mark, I read all of this horrible stuff and I get all pissed off too, but that doesn’t translate to action, much less a new career path.”

Glad you asked…

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

For many of us, the enemy is just old-fashioned complacency. We get into our routines. We distract ourselves. The couch is comfortable. The Doritos are cheesy. And nothing new happens.

This is a problem.

What most people don’t understand is that passion is the result of action, not the cause of it.^{2, 3}

Discovering what you’re passionate about in life and what matters to you is a full-contact sport, a trial-and-error process. None of us know exactly how we feel about an activity until we actually do the activity.

So ask yourself, if someone put a gun to your head and forced you to leave your house every day for everything except for sleep, how would you choose to occupy yourself? And no, you can’t just go sit in a coffee shop and browse Facebook. You probably already do that. Let’s pretend there are no useless websites, no video games, no TV. You have to be outside of the house all day every day until it’s time to go to bed — where would you go and what would you do?

Sign up for a dance class? Join a book club? Go get another degree? Invent a new form of irrigation system that can save the thousands of children’s lives in rural Africa? Learn to hang glide?

What would you do with all of that time?

If it strikes your fancy, write down a few answers and then, you know, go out and actually do them. Bonus points if it involves embarrassing yourself.

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?

Most of us don’t like thinking about death. It freaks us out. But thinking about our own death surprisingly has a lot of practical advantages. One of those advantages is that it forces us to zero in on what’s actually important in our lives and what’s just frivolous and distracting.

When I was in college, I used to walk around and ask people, “If you had a year to live, what would you do?” As you can imagine, I was a huge hit at parties. A lot of people gave vague and boring answers. A few drinks were nearly spit on me. But it did cause people to really think about their lives in a different way and re-evaluate what their priorities were.

This man’s headstone will read: “Here lies Greg. He watched every episode of ’24’… twice.”

What is your legacy going to be? What are the stories people are going to tell when you’re gone? What is your obituary going to say? Is there anything to say at all? If not, what would you like it to say? How can you start working towards that today?

And again, if you fantasize about your obituary saying a bunch of badass shit that impresses a bunch of random other people, then again, you’re failing here.

When people feel like they have no sense of direction, no purpose in their life, it’s because they don’t know what’s important to them, they don’t know what their values are.

And when you don’t know what your values are, then you’re essentially taking on other people’s values and living other people’s priorities instead of your own. This is a one-way ticket to unhealthy relationships and eventual misery.

Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.

How to Choose the Right Friends

Do you know that you can accurately predict where you’ll be five years from now? You can easily know where you’ll be going, what you’ll be doing, and what your income level will be. If you want to know how, the answer is simple: by the company you keep. The people you associate with have a major impact and influence on your personal success. You can tell where most people are going to end up in life simply based on who they hang around.

It is likely that your income level is in the same range as that of your closest friends. You talk about the same topics and you usually hang out at the same places. In many cases, you may discover that you’re reading the same books... or none of you are reading at all.

Although your five closest friends are your best buds, you have to evaluate your relationships when you are ready to make a change for the better. Relationships are like elevators; they are either bringing you up or taking you down. Every connection isn’t meant for the long haul... sometimes we find ourselves holding on toxic relationships that expired years earlier. 8This is why it is so important to make the right relationship choices. For your long-term success, you simply must choose the right friends. Here are some secrets to doing so:

1. Associate higher. If you are focused on taking your life/career/business to the next level, then why not associate with people on that next level? Doing this will help expand your mind to greater possibilities. It is natural to feel most comfortable with people who are like you, and that’s OK. However, now and then it’s good to step outside of your comfort zone and spend time with friends who can expose you to greater things, new information and a higher level of living. If you value these friendships, you will soon find yourself advancing too.

2. Choose friends with similar values. While diversity is great in many ways, when it comes to your general values and beliefs, it’s best to keep core friendships with like-minded people. While you can respect others’ opinions and differences, choosing friends that hold similar values to yours will keep you from compromising or being negatively influenced by those that don’t uphold your values and the standards that you govern your life by. When friends have similar values, they can help keep each other accountable.

3. Choose friends with common goals. I like to call these your purpose partners. When you have friends with common goals, particularly as an entrepreneur, you can push each other. You can work on your goals together and encourage each other in reaching them.

4. Choose friends who can bring balance in areas where you are weaker. We all have our strengths and weaknesses — you know what yours are. With the right friends, you can tap into the talents, skills and abilities of those that have expertise in areas that you don’t. Maybe you aren’t the best at keeping your closet organized, but you have a friend that loves organizing — enlist her help! You might be a great writer and can offer assistance to a friend that is updating her resume. When you utilize each other’s strengths, everyone wins.

5. Choose friends that stretch, motivate and encourage you. These types of friends are also great purpose partners. No one wants a friend that is negative or down all the time. It’s usually the people that are uplifting and positive that we naturally want to be around. Which category do your friends fall into? What do your conversations with them sound like? The best types of friends will be there to offer a listening ear and help you put a positive spin on any situation.

6. Choose friends that share the same interests. Friends with similar interests simply make life more fun. You can enjoy outings and activities together. Whether it’s sports, music, performing arts or food, when you share interests, you can get out and do things together. You have someone to visit new places and enjoy new experiences with.

7. Choose friends that have a thirst for knowledge. Life is about learning, growing and advancing. With friends like this, you can learn from each other. It’s always great to have a friend who can recommend a good book or share information with you to help you on your path. Friends who are avid readers are usually great conversationalists and fun to talk to as well.

8. Choose friends who you can be purpose partners with. By now, you have noticed that this term keeps coming up. To further expand on it, a purpose partner is someone who you can share your goals and dreams with, and they will encourage you toward achieving them. When you tell your purpose partners what you intend to do, they can help you stay accountable to following through. Allow them to check in on you and ask you about your progress — and do the same for them.

9. Choose friends who will celebrate your success. You want friends that celebrate you, not just tolerate you. A true friend will celebrate every milestone, accomplishment and success story on your journey. They will be genuinely happy to see you succeed and be the first to say “congratulations!” Friends like this can be rare so when you find them, keep them close!

10. Choose friends who are “get-it” people. Get-it people are serious about their goals and serious about success. They don’t treat life casually or waste time on frivolous pursuits. They take fast action and get things done. If you consider yourself a get-it person, it’s important that you have friends who operate the same way.

11. Give what you expect to get. Every friendship is a give-and-take. If you expect great friends, you first have to be one yourself. If you live by the Golden Rule of treating others as you would want to be treated, then you won’t be disappointed — you will find your friendships fulfilling and rewarding.

Take some time to evaluate your relationships. Do your friends meet the criteria above? Can you call any of them your purpose partners? If so, then great! If not, then it’s probably time to branch out and start establishing some new relationships. With the secrets above, you can boost the quality of your relationships and your long-term success.